it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
