I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
