kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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