Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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