yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
