DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Did I show you my penis last night?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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