I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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