By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
