Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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