Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
