you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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