I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
