don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
