The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
