Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
