The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
