Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
