There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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