omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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