I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
