The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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