Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize