I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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