if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
