I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
