I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I want her autograph on my taint
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
