Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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