Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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