I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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