I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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