i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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