So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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