I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
