I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
