Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
