I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
