P.S. I can't hear my feet
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
