I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
