I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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