1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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