Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
