Screwed.edu
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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