I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize