I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
