One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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