Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
