Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
