I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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