I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
