Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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