saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
