I can't breathe out the right side of my face
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
