Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
