I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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