i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
