How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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