So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize