I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
