I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
