Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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