I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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