New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
